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Friday, December 09, 2005

Heaven Has a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano

Speaking of religion, don't forget the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. These guys believe the universe was created by (can you guess?) a Flying Spaghetti Monster. They also believe that natural disasters are a consequence of the decline in the number of pirates since the 1800s, and that he intervenes in human affairs with his Noodly Appendage. From their submission to the Kansas School Board, requesting that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism be given classtime alongside that well-known Free Masonic, Communistical and Illuminati-sponsored Darwinist hoax 'evolution', and Intelligent Design, which is of course completely true:

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design. Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith. Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease. {snip}

How He made the world

Just to prove one last time how fearless I am in my critique of religion, I'm going to stick my neck out here and say -- I doubt if FSMism is true. Town-criers I could have believed, or Moravian cookier-makers, but pirates -- poppycock! The rest seems plausible enough.

1 comment:

david.g said...

For you, heaven may well have a stripper factory and a beer volcano. This is not said in jest, on the contrary to your belief, there is a Theory of Intelligent Design which is supported by evidence which can be found at Intelligent Design Theory. It is interesting that such a theory has been ignored in the recent debate and the court case. Then again many of the proponents of intelligent design may be unaware of it and think that it is just creationism! In fact, there is more evidence supporting an intelligent design theory than there is for an evolution theory.