Make Your Own Search Engine

You will need:

Two toilet roll holders
Sellotape
Ball of string
Argos catalogue
Vital organs of recently killed and skinned Furby
One 'internet'

Assemble
Float stock for £3bn
Recycle unused Furby parts at car boot sale

Magnetism

North magnetic pole reported drifting to Siberia; fridge magnets predicted to have moved to back garden within 10 years.

Famous Authors, Unusual Deaths of

Hey, didn't you write Oedipus Rex or was that the othe------?







SPLAT!




Aeschylus: tortoise dropped on head by eagle

Frank O'Hara: knocked down by golf buggy

Tennessee Williams: choked to death on nose spray bottle cap

Not to be Outdone

Nicknamed 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly' (but which is which?)



Not to be outdone by the horny cane toad, this frog found in a school playground in March has come up with an ingenious way of having group sex with itself.

Batrachianism Is a Most Rewarding Pastime

Ugly bastard




It doesn't bother a male cane toad if his wife is run over, in fact he probably won't even notice. They carry on making love to their ladies days after they've been flattened. (Sam Wollaston, Guardian 12 December 2005)

Liquid Petroleum Acquires Radical Insurgent Wing, Attacks Hemel Hempstead

Bang! Big bloody bang! Massive great big bloody noise!






Cyclists, pedestrians, breathable oxygen declared legitimate targets; evacuees form shit-scared, orderly, slightly irritated queue; revenge attacks reported on central heating systems, cigarette lighters; government, moderate petrol elements in mediation talks.

Spoonful

Another great bluesman is Charley Patton.

What I love about Patton is the call-and-response thing he does in 'A Spoonful Blues', the theatricality of it and the self-mockery. And also the shameless horniness of it all. No wonder Robert Crumb likes him so much. Another Delta slilde guitar player I like is -- {snip}

I Ain't Even Here Anymore

One of my favourite Delta bluesmen is Bukka White. I just love that National Steel guitar and the rasp and bark and holler of his voice.

Here are the words of 'Pinebluff, Arkansas':

Whoo, well, I got a little woman in Pinebluff, Arkansas
She was the sweetest little woman that your men most ever saw

Gonna get up in the mornin', baby, with the risin' sun
Whoo well, in the mornin', baby, with the risin' sun
If this train don't run, gonna be some walkin' done

My baby she's callin' me, she called me up on the phone
Whoo well, she's callin' me, she called me up on the phone
She said, "Daddy, daddy, I don't jive, come on hurry home"

My baby says, "I'm tired goin' to bed and moan"
Oh well, she says, "Tired of goin' to bed and moan"
She said, "I ain't had no lovin', daddy, daddy, since that you been gone"

Well, she says, "I'm tired, daddy, singin' to you lonesome songs"
Oh well, she says, "I'm tired of singin' to you lonesome songs"
She says, "I ain't even here, daddy, I ain't even here anymore"

My baby says, "I'm tired, daddy, hearin' my bedsprings groan"
Ooo, well, she says, "I'm tired a-hearin' my bedsprings groan"
She said, "I declare if you want me, daddy, you better hurry on"

Cats I Have Known, pt. 1

The celebrity (= media whore)



The Oedipus Riddle
to a cat with a swollen paw

Left-hook at the air in big-eyed fury,
on your belly, on your back,
jump and jump again and fail to snag
the foe that is your own sweet paw:

swell-foot, Oedipuss, your furry
doom to swallow your pride, swallow my pills
and give me thanks, a two-leg, that you still
can walk on one, two, three legs, four.

Cats I Have Known, pt. 21

The saint








One part spared as your small heart failed
and twitching still, your missing tail

Cats I Have Known, pt. 33

The terrorist







You retch and retch until you turn purple
And still don't vomit.
Why? Goddammit,
Candyfloss monster: you are the furball.

Rockall, History Of

There it is. Rockall. Just hulking there, doing nothing. Par for the course, really. Which is to say, 17. Par for the golf course on Rockall is 17.

A Dublin councillor once altered his name to include the word 'Rockall' for reasons known only to his parish priest, Fr Tiernan Schrodinger OSM.

An SAS man once lived on it for a while, as part of a stag night prank, under the impression that he was in a Nottingham nightclub.

The Wolfe Tones have recorded a stirring patriotic ballad asserting the Irish claim to Rockall, in defiance of those evil Brits/Icelanders/Danes/Bolivians (delete as applicable), and rather than reproduce a single line of which the present author would gladly swim there and back.

Careful observation of the photographic evidence would seem to suggest that Rockall is covered in birdshit.

Someone has set up a website called http://www.rockallonline.com, whose history of the island contains the following useful information:

The inhabitants of the forested lowlands and northern grasslands of central Rockall were so severely decimated by plague that these regions long remained almost uninhabited. For many centuries the folk of the Northern and Eastern Mountains altogether lost contact with the peoples of the south. In the north, the Safaddnese people were long predominant, whereas the southern hills and plains became divided into a series of little realms, variously governed.When western Europeans discovered Rockall, new settlers began to arrive. Norsemen settled in the northwestern region, Irish in the Eastern Mountains and Englishmen widely in the central plains and forests. Not until the fifteenth century, however, did south and north resume contact.

That was at a time when Atlanteans from Vragansarat and the islands attempted a reconquest of their former empire, from the south with an army largely of mercenaries. Their defeat was followed by the attempted expansion of a second empire from the northeast (Pavonara); but that did not reach beyond the Northern Mountains and soon also collapsed.

After this, though Rockall was never wholly at peace, there were three centuries of relative tranquillity, ending when the rich ores of the Reschorese mines were discovered. A fresh wave of settlement from Europe began, the French and British both establishing territorial foot holds and the Germans forging an agressive alliance with Pavonara.

Wild-Eyed Freak

This wild-eyed freak was the twenty-ninth president of the United States.

The G stood for Gamaliel. Gamawhat?

Loved women and Ohio, according to John Ashbery. Liked to disappear into closet beside Oval Office.

Invented words ‘bloviate’ and ‘normalcy’, the latter because he couldn’t pronounce ‘normality’.

Once said ‘I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.’

Mostly too pissed or busy playing poker to start any interesting wars.

Somewhat Gay-Sounding But In Fact Not At All Gay Films About Cowboys

Gettin' it awn



A tribute to the currently on-release Brokeback Mountain.

Ace of the Saddle (1919)

Bad Man Bobbs (1915)

Between Men (1935)

Deadwood Dick (1940)

Garden of Eatin' (1943)

Gay Amigo, The (1949)

Gay Buckaroo, The (1932)

Hot Lead (1951)

Inside Straight (1951)

Man Rustlin' (1926)

Man to Man (1922)

Men in the Raw (1923)

One Shot Ross (1917)

Quigley Down Under (1990)

Ramrod (1947)

Rawhide Romance (1941)

Revenge of the Virgins (1966)

Rhythm of the Saddle (1938)

Ride a Wild Stud (1969)

Rimfire (1949)

There Was a Crooked Man... (1970)

Valdez is Coming (1971)

Wild West Whoopee (1931)

(from Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans: The Best of McSweeney's Humor Category)

Suck on that, Ang Lee and E. Annie Proulx. In a gay or non-gay way, as you prefer. This blog celebrates and fosters sexual diversity across the whole cowboy community.

Big Girl's Blouse

Silly boy! Left his cor anglais at home again




From the HMV bargain bin:

Fuck me man, the first number ripped the place apart, the crowd went berserk an I thought my head would split in two, it blew my mind so much. It was funky as fuck but unlike anythin I'd ever heard before. Chaotic but together; strange but familiar. I looked around an realized that the whole gatherin was awestruck, with mouths an eyes wide open like they were tryin to ingest the whole band, en masse. [...] The day proceeded along these lines: listenin to the tape from Corbieres umpteen times, smokin pipes an reachin a resoundin unanimous agreement that the tunes were fuckin heavy shit an Moose had played a blinder on guitar that could not be surpassed. Back slap an slap back, all afternoon. The lads were buzzin their nuts off. (Bez, Freaky Dancin': Me and the Mondays)

Earlier in the same book, Bez describes giving the bizzies the runaround by lying low at his lady friend's gaff: 'I alighted at my new girlfriend's house...'

Alighted? Alighted??? You big girl's blouse, Bez.

What Grinds My Gears

Big fat stupid cartoon slob

You know what really grinds my gears? When I'm driving down the road at night and there are cars parked on both sides and I see a car coming and instead of keeping going I wait and let the other car come and when it passes me it flashes its lights, on full, just for a second, and I want to say, Hey buddy! your idea of saying thanks is to try and freakin' BLIND me, if you really want to blind me why not do it properly by gouging my eyes out with a rusty spoon or something, is that what you'd like? Or alternatively we can settle this like men, on that traffic island over there.

Thank you.

(With apologies to Peter Griffin)





Spooky real-life version of big fat stupid cartoon slob, apparently called Justin Blair Spaeth

It Never Happened

This is Captain Pugwash. And where, you may ask, are his good friends Seaman Stains, Master Bates and Roger the Cabin Boy? Nowhere, for the very good reason that they never existed. Shame on you for thinking they did. It's an urban myth, like the one about cars running on 'petrol', which is apparently made from 'oil', and the one about there being a town called 'Doncaster'.

Apathy

Look at me, I live in a barrel and do nothing all day, but I'm still a famous Greek philosopher and you're not




William Whitelaw once accused Harold Wilson of 'going around the country stirring up apathy.'

Cinéaste

You mean cinéphile. A cinéaste makes films.

Jejune

You mean adolescent. Jejune just means 'unsatisfying'.

Torturous

You mean tortuous.

Heaven Has a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano

Speaking of religion, don't forget the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. These guys believe the universe was created by (can you guess?) a Flying Spaghetti Monster. They also believe that natural disasters are a consequence of the decline in the number of pirates since the 1800s, and that he intervenes in human affairs with his Noodly Appendage. From their submission to the Kansas School Board, requesting that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism be given classtime alongside that well-known Free Masonic, Communistical and Illuminati-sponsored Darwinist hoax 'evolution', and Intelligent Design, which is of course completely true:

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design. Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith. Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease. {snip}


How He made the world


Just to prove one last time how fearless I am in my critique of religion, I'm going to stick my neck out here and say -- I doubt if FSMism is true. Town-criers I could have believed, or Moravian cookier-makers, but pirates -- poppycock! The rest seems plausible enough.

http://www.venganza.org

The Last Taboo

All I ever do is insult people, and whine about this and that. But all my targets are fairly soft, aren't they? Self-righteous Christians, for instance. I'm sure I've done Hindus and Buddhists too. They're always good for a laugh. But when, you might wonder, am I going to say something bad about... Too afraid of the consequences, eh? So let me shatter that final taboo now. Entirely agreeable-seeming Pacific resort island of Tuvalu: you suck! I'm never going back!

March of the Humans

Blotchy guy on Fox

A heartwarming tale of how Fox anchors and blotchy pundits will crawl across barbed wire to bring you the news that some guy in Kmart won't wish them a Merry Christmas (see John Gibson's The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse Than You Thought). Oh, and that they're offering a 3 for 2 offer on auto-infanticide kits for preschoolers.

Let it be a lesson to penguins everywhere.

Penguins

Non-human grief inducer, when dead





'The loss is unbearable', Morgan Freeman says of the mother when her baby dies in March of the Penguins. And yet she sort of does bear it, if you look closely. She just carries on as normal. What are we missing here?

My tolerance of the anthropomorphisation of Antarctic mammls to shore up some ropey moral about human family values has just died. The loss is unbearable.

Jesus Loves Retards

How well do you know your neighbours? Well enough to borrow some sugar off? Pressing the 'next blog' button in the right-hand corner has introduced me to the joys of having (today at least) a Christian retard next door.

"Be honest. Do you ever wish you didn't have to think about being holy all the time?", she asks herself. Why don't you mail her yourself and let her know, especially if the answer is 'No, because I'm far too busy mainlining crack with my boyfriend to celebrate our gay wedding under a ceremonial arch of burning Stars and Stripes.'

"I really have struggled with letting myself get angry at the way women dress", she goes on, "and have found myself rolling my eyes or just flat out talking out loud (so they can hear me) just how awful I think their clothes are. I feel just sick about that, how am I being Christ to them by my snickering and having a hateful heart."

Let's have less of the snickerin' and bickerin', Missie, and let the message of hope go out -- along with all the tripe about home-schooling, photos of your kids and eulogies to your perfect husband -- JESUS LOVES RETARDS. Amen to that.

OMyGod!

A deuglified version of me has won the Turner Prize. His face looks just like my face looks!Forgive slightly crooked image. The festivities went on very late into the night.

Easter Island

In an episode of The Simpsons Moe tells Homer he is going on holidays to Easter Island, has been saving for it for years etc, to which Homer replies, 'Right, with the giant heads.' Moe says: 'The what?!'

New research indicates the depopulation of Easter Island may have been rat-related. This on top of the previous deforestation theories. But it's simple really: just look at those islanders. They're 20 feet tall, they weigh 10 tons, they're made out of stone. How do you think they had sex?

Woo Hoo

Just look at those shirts and hats. My brother is in a band. They let him buy their lattes and drugs and shit.

A little rooting around on the net will lead you to their new album, which you can then buy.

Their name is on the window in the picture ('Gaelic Bar Est. 18 --').

Woo hoo!

Convenience Food, Nazi-Style

Admiral Donitz. Well-known Nazi.

Lesser-known fact: his son Duncan has continued his father's work with a doughnut-based push for pan-global supremacism. Just you think about that the next time you tuck into one. It's not like you aren't fat enough already. Go eat an apple instead!

Mr. Bastards of Leeds

Here be fascist bastards.

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

Holding Inadequate Drunks Like Gazza Up To Public Ridicule Or If They're George Best Posthumously Glorifying Them Is An Irresponsible Thing To Do

"I'm sacked, but I'm turning up...I'm sacked but I'm turning up. I'm sacked from, well, I'm not sacked. End of day, I run the club, I run the club. I don't own it but I still do. Regardless, I said I would never walk away...from the next club I take on I won't walk away."

Zoological

A previously unknown mammal due to be sensationally discovered in Borneo some time next year has been sensationally found to have become extinct last year, despite the fact that we haven't discovered it yet and still don't know anything about it.

This Year's Christmas Party

You know it makes sense.

Sven's World Cup 2006, a Spotter's Guide

Routine group stage win over Paraguay







Embarrassing group stage defeat to Paraguay









Still can't pronounce Steven Gerrard's name






Crouch hat-trick wins Cup










Crouch own goal hat-trick hands cup to Paraguay







Told you so







Gutted

On This Day

1978 Japanese WWII soldier joke found trapped in Bob Hope's brain.

1964 Publicity-shy Belgium puts man on moon, tells no one.

1479 Leonardo invents hamster wheel: logo doubles as symbol of human self-sufficiency in newly godless universe.

1392 Jaded blogger posts first cheapo Onion knock-off.

Crucified Santa

Twenty Santa-crucifying days to Christmas left. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Santa.

Idiot with Loaf of Bread on His Head

By contrast, there's no doubt what this man is doing.

He is an internet scammer getting scammed: the obviously non-existent Father Ted Crilley (as if!) of the Church of Bread and Wine (as if!!) has asked him to pose with a loaf of bread on his head to show him up for the chancer he is (the big eejit!!!).

http://www.419eater.com/html/samuel_eze.htm

What on Earth is This Man Doing?

What on earth is this man doing?

Could he be seeking a financial donation from Father Bateyoo Reelgud of the Church of Fish and Bread (of which Georgiasam is a devout, if irregularly attending communicant)?

I wouldn't make fun of his religion. Why should he make fun of mine?


http://www.419eater.com/html/tope.htm

Edible Knickers

One of the Fat Slags has bought some edible knickers. The other one asks how her boyfriend liked them. 'I don't know', the first one says, 'I ate them straight from the packet.'

Viz magazine. I paraphrase.

What's Really Great

You know what’s really great? When you’re in the shower and squeeze the bottle and the shampoo comes out, but then when you let go the shampoo retracts back into the bottle, that’s what really great.



Some bottle of shampoo made by some pharmaceuticals multinational or other who almost certainly tortured dolphins to death to make it, or not even to make it but just to watch them die.

You Swollen-Headed Stooge

Insult your soon-to-be-purged-when-the-revolution-comes acquaintances North Korean style:

http://www.nk-news.net/extras/insult_generator.php

You bourgeois aggressor, you will be dealt a thousandfold retaliatory blow!

You swollen-headed stooge, we will resolutely smash your desperate war moves!

You black-hearted reactionary, you would be well advised to behave with discretion!

You loudmouthed militarist, we will mercilessly crush you with the weapon of singlehearted unity!

You anti-socialist beast!

You extra-large political dwarf!

The Chinese stuff was fake, but this is genuine. Thank you, Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. Popular searches on their archive, nk-news.net inform us, include 'goat farm', 'human scum', 'sea of fire' and 'peerlessly great man'.



Bourgeois aggressors discover there is no hiding place from really pissed off North Korean guy's thousandfold retaliatory blow. Not even some very long grass.

Teach Yourself Catastrophism

en face
le pire
jusqu'à ce
qu'il fasse rire


facing
the worst
laugh
till you burst