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Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Meat Substitute

Someone (not that Yahoo news man) has done a survey of vegans and sex and discovered they prefer not to get it on with people whose bodies are animal cemeteries. That means no vegan slap and tickle for you, cheeseburger-eater.

And faster than you can crack a meat substitute joke about what a tofu wiener and an Ann Summers vibrator have in common, out comes that old urban myth about vegans and body fluids. Or is it an urban myth? Because one of the vegans is quoted as saying ‘I believe we are what we consume, so I really struggle with bodily fluids, especially sexually.’

I too struggle with bodily fluids, as for instance when I decide to piss myself rather than get off my bar stool and walk to the gents. But if semen (that’s what we’re talking about here) is non-vegan, then why isn’t saliva too? Can vegans kiss, in other words? And don’t tell me it’s because spunk is alive and saliva isn’t. Because that’s not true, going on the little brown things swimming in around in it every time I spit on the footpath. Ringworm, I think they’re called.

Oh, and Fiona Apple is a vegan. She and I have come to a sensitive and humane understanding on body fluid disposal. But I swore I wouldn’t talk about that here. So I won’t.

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