Things You Learn About Abroad at the Barber’s:
That you spend the second week of your holiday looking forward to coming back.
That Majorca isn't in Europe. That’s why you can bring duty-free back from there.
That it’s good to know that Southern Ireland has ‘calmed down since… then.’
I was going to go there once but...
That the French are never any good after lunch.
That Kurds learning to drive in England like to practise on the right, since that’s where they drive over there.
That if you learn Russian, my uncle was in the navy, the alphabet is the hardest part, after that it's real simple.
That the misspelled graffito round the corner, ‘Cossyvan shagers go home’, is indeed, now that you mention it, ambiguous as to whether it means Kosovans doing the shagging or people shagging them, who, if local, are simply being asked to get an early night, or if not local, to feck off back to Doncaster or Goole.
After a week of this I got the sack. It seemed people weren’t as interested in the advice I was doling out as I’d hoped.