Jose Mourinho Resigns

Scenes of grief, passion at half-empty Stamford Bridge.

Embarks on nationwide series of handshake-refusing full-time charges down the touchline.

Abramovich Bond villain-style assassination plot aborted; smiling, relaxed Abramovich ‘kept the receipt anyway’; as governor, tells people of remote Siberian province of Chukotka shots of reindeer urine brandy ‘on the house’.

Who now will offer strength and leadership, fans ask, through next owner-enforced parachute signing of German misfit and £30 million Ukrainian flop?

Who now, fans wonder, will get Chelsea-loving best out of badge-kissing Chelsea-loving all contract negotiation-refusing Frank Lampard?

John Terry ‘sombre’, in interview from window of booze ‘n’ birds stretch limo.

John Obi Mikel or whatever the hell way round his name is meant to be still not entirely sure who that guy was.

Unveils Jose Mourinho Truth and Reconciliation Foundation to work with victims of Luis Garcia Champions League semi-final goals.

Random conspiracy theory tribute planned by Chelsea players after weekend game against United.

Now sod off.