Smokey Robinson

Soul legend Smokey Robinson is having his house decorated by RTE celebrity Dustin the Turkey and his mates Mighty Ears and Anto. Don’t ask why, he just is. Smokey is full of ideas for Motown-themed murals, water features and a games room, but the boys are only interested in finishing off a load of hideous brown paint they have left over from decorating a Chinese takeaway in Kilbarrack. Room by room, the place is looking like Dustin’s underpants after a heavy night on the beers and kebabs. To make matters worse, Mighty Ears keeps excusing himself and returning from the bathroom half an hour later with a glazed expression, after which he sits around muttering to himself about that time he vomited in Phil Lynott’s hat, how he got off with Twink once on the assumption it was a man, that time he… Anyway, it all gets too much for Smokey. He storms in one day and gives them the full weight of his tongue. They are the worst decorators this side of Haiti (‘actually’, Anto begins to answer, ‘Dublin is east of…’ before Dustin shuts him up), and never mind the brown, they couldn’t even get the right type of paint. ‘You’re using enamel, for God’s sake’, he said picking up a can of the stuff, ‘and I told you emulsion, emulsion. Come on, guys, tell me I’m right here. Emul-sion. And as for this freak’ (he points at Mighty Ears), ‘the man’s a drug addict!’ He’s quite obviously a smackhead.’ He grabs Mighty’s arms and rolls up his shirt sleeves. Turns out Mighty has been on a needle safari for every last vein in his arm. By now the veins are bulging in Smokey’s forehead: ‘Look at the tracks of Mighty Ears!’ A short pause, while the lads look at the floor, then their hands, then one another. Dustin breaks the silence: ‘I second that emulsion.’