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Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Mods v. Rockers

I was musing lately about things I associate with places I used to live. Here are twelve more I associate with where I live now.

The ‘fbum’. This is an abdominal front bum. If playing street bingo, score one point for a fbum sighting, two if the fbum has escaped from a t-shirt, and three if it exhibits fbum cleavage, the kind you can bury a can of Red Bull and a bag of chips in, for the next time you’re a bit peckish.

An old woman cooing to a low-flying pigeon at a bus stop: ‘Fook off yer daft bird!’

A local news item about a tortoise’s birthday party, possibly even his hundredth, during which the tortoise walked, very slowly, through his cake, reducing it to pitiful ruins.

A young male attempting to woo a female out on a date by shouting, across the street, ‘I ehn’t got neugh diseases or owt!’

Taxi-drivers telling me that Kurds learning to drive like to do so on the wrong side of the road, since that’s how they do it ‘over there’.

The undying devotion of the local Kurdish population for the Shakin’ Stevens haircut. Perhaps the whole Saddam-Kurd bother was a mods v. rockers thing? I must make inquiries.

The local news segue. Sample banter between local newsreader and weather man, following report on a threatened nurses’ strike. Weatherman responding to some juvenile taunt: ‘You’re one to talk, I hear you’re very fond of young women in uniforms yourself.’ Newsreader whirls round, camera front: ‘In other news today, a sewage plant in Grimsby…’

A charity shop separating the books on its shelves into ‘Men’s and ‘Women’s’.

A second-hand shop selling towels marked ‘Hi’s’ and ‘Her’s’.

A tattoo shop that misspells the word ‘Tattoos’ on its sign.

Sample item in ‘Mr Flashback’’s nostalgia column in local paper: ‘On this day in 1977 a planning permission application was lodged for a Chinese takeaway on the corner of Knobend Way. After a brief period of consultation it was turned down.’

Sample small ad in local paper: ‘For sale. Works of William Shakespeare, the Education Company, 1967. Unwanted present, never used. £5. No time wasters.’


Ray Davis said...

How was it misspelled?

puthwuth said...