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Sunday, April 06, 2008

The Biggest Douches in the Universe

Britain’s Fraudulent Mediums Act is being repealed, to be replaced by new Consumer Protection Regulations. Mediums (media?) have complained that, rather than targeting fraudulent (genuinely fraudulent?) members of their profession, these regulations will leave them open to frivolous law-suits from [every member of the human race still in possession of a brainstem] skeptics and anyone else who feels misled, coerced or taken advantage of. ‘We have to fight it’, one medium is quoted as looking up from her crystal ball/premium rate call line royalties statement long enough to say, ‘If not, we will go [forward] back [no really, she means ‘forward’] to the Dark Ages, where we will be [who said progress was dead] persecuted and prosecuted.’

As well as being scum-sucking emotional rapists and the biggest douches in the universe, mediums are also, one and all, frauds.

‘It is taking [a scum-sucking money-making fraud] a religion, a way of life, and making it a commercial transaction’, someone else is quoted as beating off messages from your long-dead grandmother long enough to say. ‘There are bad mediums out there, and we would like to [muscle in on their premium rate call lines and general emotional racketeering] regulate them. But this is very unfair on [total frauds still working the rubber chicken circuit in the North of England] genuine spiritualists.’

When I saw (world’s greatest living Wicklowman) Dara O Briain recently he did a routine on mediums, in which he described the cold reading antics of some total fraud he was forced to appear with on a Belfast chat show. Asked to explain one of the all-too explicable failures of her technique (given that she is a total fraud) the psychic in question said that sometimes she receives so many messages all at once that it’s hard to tell the right ones from the wrong. She was such a great psychic, in other words, that she was shit at being a psychic.

Psychics are total frauds whose government approved licenses should be handed out by very large hungry bears in very small unlit, locked rooms.

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