Nothing, Arizona

Nothing, Arizona. Move there today, before my forthcoming collaboration with Wim Wenders sends property prices soaring. Or if you don’t fancy Nothing, perhaps one of the following places:

Bumble Bee, Arizona
Why, Arizona
Bald Knob, Arkansas
Toad Suck, Arkansas
Wimp, California
No Name, Colorado
Chickasawhatchee, Georgia
Beer Bottle Crossing, Idaho
Sandwich, Illinois
Bugtussle, Kentucky
Beans Corner Bingo, Maine
Embarrass, Minnesota
Frankenstein, Missouri
Tightwad, Missouri
Climax, Ohio
Idiotville, Oregon
Finger, Tennessee
Mexican Hat, Utah
Big Ugly, West Virginia

No It Isn't And Yes It Is

My response to the two questions in the title of Steve Lowe and Alan McArthur’s Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit?

Some examples:

Delicatessen Counters at Supermarkets

Pasta salad? They’ve just cooked some salad and then let it go cold.

I will not take a number. I am a free man.


Spam Porn

‘TODAY IS JIZZ DAY!’ … Is it? Is it really?


Wetherspoons

If you really want to economise on booze, there must be better options than Wetherspoons: sitting on a bench drinking Thunderbirds, for instance. Or injecting yourself with cider. The latter will probably kill you, but at least you won’t be giving money to [heavily funded by Wetherspoons founder Tim Martin] fucking UKIP.

An utterly shit numberplate available from the UKIP 'shop' (and possibly Wetherspoons pubs) commemorating UKIP's never-to-be-forgotten election victory of 2004. [Sorry that last bit, i.e. this bit, is by me.]

Ouch

I've just fallen over and fractured my hand. Ouch. (Mutters.) Stupid natural instinct to reach out my hand and get it crushed, think you're so...

In the hospital they gave me a 'half cast'. Don't they know the correct term these days is 'mixed race'? (Mutters.) Stupid racist medical science, think you're so... I'll get you...

Moral: take it smack on the backside instead. That's what backsides are there for. Or possibly the head. The head's good too.

Or just never go out. (Mutters.) Stupid 'I'm so great' outside, think you're so... I'll get you... just you wait...

Polar

What time is it at the North and South poles? All the time zones meet there, after all. Can you run around in a little circle and make it yesterday, today or tomorrow as the mood takes you? Like in Superman, but with a lot less effort.




The North or maybe the South pole today, or maybe yesterday, or maybe tomorrow.

I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money

Some fake Chinese film title translations:

"Pretty Woman" -- "I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money"
"Face/Off" -- "Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!"
"Leaving Las Vegas" -- "I'm Drunk And You're a Prostitute"
"Interview With The Vampire" -- "So, You Are a Lawyer?"
"The Piano" -- "Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!"
"My Best Friend's Wedding" -- "Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!"
"George of the Jungle" -- "Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals"
"Scent of a Woman" -- "Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!"
"Love, Valour, Compassion!" -- "I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It's Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie"
"Babe" -- "The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural Problems"
"Twister" -- "Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!"
"Field of Dreams" -- "Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield"
"Barb Wire" -- "Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You"
"Batman & Robin" -- "Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy"
"The Crying Game" -- "Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!"

This list has been around the block quite a bit now, but like I said at the top: it's a fake. None of these is a genuine Chinese movie title. And do you know why? Can you guess? Because, How could be they Chinese movie titles if they're ALL IN ENGLISH, you fuckwits. People in China speak Chinese. Thank you. Next question.

Andrei Rublev

An image each from Tarkovsky's seven full-length films.

The Sacrifice

Solaris

Nostalgia

Ivan's Childhood

Mirror

Stalker

'There is no return from the Zone!'

Waste of Time

This is an underwater golf swing training device, US Patent No. 6325727. It has a hydrodynamically adjustable paddle that can be altered manually. This provides a variable resistance to the user as he or she swings the device through the water.

In other words, it's a useless invention. It's a complete waste of time. You've wasted your time just reading about it. Go and do something useful for a change.

The Saving Tautology

The most obvious problem with [Garrison Keilor's] Good Poems for Hard Times is that it proposes that "the meaning of poetry is to give courage." That is not the meaning of poetry; that is the meaning of Scotch. The meaning of poetry is poetry. (David Orr, New York Times)

Georgiasam's favourite scotches: Talisker, Lagavulin, Laphroaig. Speaking of which, I notice it's your round.

Terminator X

Terminator X. You remember him.

Now an ostrich farmer.

Just Kicked a Man

Further to my previous thread, the life of times of Roy Keane as rewritten by Queen. To the tune of 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.




Mama, just kicked a man.
There's a screw loose in my head,
Because I tried to break his leg,
Fergie, the season's just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away!
****
That's probably enough of that, though this bit's good too:

Brown & Neville fighting, very very frightening
indeed!!!

WHERE IS RIO?
Where is Rio?

WHERE IS RIO?
Where is Rio?

Because Laurent's far too slow! He's far too
slow-ow-ow-ow-ow.....

I'm just a head-case, nobody loves me!

HE'S JUST A HEADCASE, WALKED OUT ON, HIS COUNTRY!

SPARE US THE WHINES FROM HIS GAFFER IF YOU PLEASE!

Weird Shit in Corinthians

More Peep Show.

Mark: Oh right, you believe in a God, do you?
Nancy: Yes I do, and you might find it a comfort and –
Mark: Nancy, there’s no evidence for God, whereas Ofcom has published guidelines.
Nancy: So does God. It’s called the Bible.
Mark: Oh yes, the Bible. And I wonder what the Bible’s view is on you doing it in the shower, the garden centre, and up the bum: I mean that’s all right, is it? That’s in the Bible, or do you think maybe that’s not in the Bible?
Jeremy: Mark! (To Nancy.) I’m sure it’s in the Bible, somewhere. Probably in Corinthians. There’s a load of… weird shit in there.

A Life in Pictures

Inspiring prospects







Win odd game






Knee knack







Awfully sorry about that Alfie





Bring the kids along




Next plane home






Penny for the old guy







It's the dog we feel sorry for







With salad







Saddam understudy





Coronation Street's on here somewhere





Blowdry







Carpark that way










And he's off!

A Sad Story

Look at these Bulgarians, tragic glasses, mullets and all, celebrating Cyril and Methodius Day on 24 May. Those two doughty gents gave the world the Cyrillic alphabet, yet who today dares to speak of the martyrdom of the Russian letter yat? Not Robert Conquest, not Solzhenitsyn. Calls for its elimination began in the eighteenth century. Why? Linguists argued that yat was indistinguishable from e; they lied and lied again in their blind hatred for yat, in thrall to their Masonic-led campaign of terror and hate. Nicholas I tried to suppress it and failed. Yat kept its head down, but reckoned without the Red apocalypse that would seal its fate at last. Poland offered yat political asylum; Bukharin attempted to intercede with Lenin; Akhmatova and Pasternak circulated impassioned poetic pleas for its life; but all to no avail. In the bitterly cold winter of 1918 yat was shot like a common criminal behind a disused grain silo on the outskirts of Norilsk. Only a humble peasant shrine marks the spot today.



The Norilsk yat shrine



But the people would not believe that yat was gone. 'Long and impassioned essays' were written in its defence, according to Wikipedia. With the fall of the USSR, 'that most Russian of letters' (Wikipedia again) made sporadic appearances in retro brandnames, but 'almost no one knew its proper usage', such was the state of post-communist ignorance.

The guilty silence has gone on long enough: the time for rehabilitation has come. Sons and daughters of Russia (and Bulgarians too), come to your yat's defence. Canonisation by the Orthodox church is another possibility. Let the bolsheviks be called to account for their alphabet crimes. Yat yat yat. Say it with pride!



In Yat we trust (photo posed by a model)

Crisps and Lard

Proud winner of the annual Spudulike-alike competition Fred Chubb (67) steps forward to receive the first prize of his own bodyweight in crisps and lard from town mayor Fred Chubb (no relation).

Mmm, Guinea Pig

In Peruvian religious art, representations of the Last Supper often show Christ and the disciples tucking into a meal of roast guinea pig.

Like it says in Matthew's gospel: 'During the supper Jesus said that one of his disciples would betray him, but "it would be better for that man if he had never been born". Then Judas spoke, the one who was to betray him: "Rabbi, surely you do not mean me?" Jesus replied, "You have said it. But first, some tasty guinea pig. Mmm, guinea pig."'

Benleagh

Still south I went and west and south again,
Through Wicklow from the morning till the night...

Obscure Dylan Tracks

I love obscure Bob Dylan tracks. Here are ten. How many have you got?

1) I'm Not There
2) All You've Got to Do Is Dream
3) I Am a Teenage Prayer
4) Motherless Children
5) Nothin' But You
6) Old Rock & Roller
7) Rocks and Gravel
8) The Hills of Mexico
9) Spanish is the Loving Tongue
10) One Too Many Mornings (with Johnny Cash)

The Astapova

A new poetry genre: the Astapova. Two lines, the second of which should as closely as possible duplicate (phonetically) the first.


The Death of Tolstoy

A stopover
in Astapova


This Shouty Bloke Down the Pub

Diamond earring
domineering


Most Error-Ridden. Latin Text. Ever

A Loeb
low ebb

Just Giving Her The Bumps Took All Morning

Harriet the tortoise is 175.

Peep Show

My favourite Peep Show line: 'If he hangs himself over this I can always put an orange in his mouth and say it was a fatal wanking accident.'

Arsing

'Arcing': present participle, from 'arc'. 'The frisby came arcing through the sky.'

Except that would have to be pronounced 'arsing', wouldn't it. For it to have a k sound you'd need 'arcking' or 'arc-ing'.

'Arcing', pr. 'arsing'. Wrong, very wrong. Someone do something about it.

A Brontosaurus with a Splinter in his Paw

At last! The bit you've spent all those years looking for about dinosaurs in the Bible: "And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend." (The Gospel According to Bill Hicks)

Brockleworts

A sad day for our town as the Brockleworts, a previously unknown race of super-intelligent 1mm tall beings, set out for a ‘getting to know you’ meeting with humanity in a homemade boat, only for it to be sunk with the loss of all hands by a 2p piece accidentally tossed off a bridge by retired dinner lady Doris Nobbs (73).

Calm Down

Sadly the attempt to clone Ian Rush broke down after just one replicant. In honour of these magnificent men, seen here enjoying a leisurely doddle of a 2-1 win over Wimbledon in 1989, an all-time moustache-wearing Liverpool XI:


-----------Grobbelaar-----------

Wark Lawrenson Smith A Kennedy

McDermott Case Souness Heighway

-----------Rush Aldridge-----------

Yes I know Wark normally played in midfield, not defence. But he did play there, sometimes, and if you ask any more awkward questions I'll bring on Abel Xavier, failed drugs test and all, just to spite you. So there.

Bubble perms optional.

Freakin' Freak

One more example of stuff on a cat, though possibly not for very long once that dozy-looking feline wakes up. Now get outta here, you freakin' cat freak.

Catgut

Catgut is not made from cats. The intestines of sheep, goats, horses, mules, hogs and asses yes, but not cats. Wikipedia thinks the word should be 'kitgut', 'kit' meaning fiddle: hence the confusion. So creatures like these are safe -- safe from being gutted, maybe, but not from the folk at stuffonmycat.com who like dressing them up in sou'westers and frocks. Stuffonmycat's motto: stuff + cats = awsome. And who are we to disagree.

Axolotl

Behold the axolotl. Like georgiasam, axolotls reach maturity without losing their larval characteristics. They are permanently aquatic, grow larger than ordinary larval salamanders, and have external gills and a well-developed tail. In Mexico City, axolotls are sometimes cooked and eaten as delicacies. Shame on you, Mexico!

Fruit Flies

Times flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. (Grouch Marx)

Hey, I just noticed I already used this back in September! But without the picture. It's up to you lot to keep me on my toes, with all those drugs and shit I'm on. So pay attention!

Civet perfume

In 1692 Daniel Defoe was imprisoned for debts of more than £17,000. He'd lost it all investing in a) a diving-engine to search for underwater treasure and b) a civet cat farm to make perfume.